did I seriously just say that?

After I gave birth to Henry, I distinctly remember asking the nurse giving me a sponge bath to "please kill me". Henry's birth was traumatic. I was an absolute mess. So after giving birth to June (sans pain medication I might add), I still can't believe how I reacted. I never thought I would use the words "beautiful" and "magical" to describe something so horrific. But, here I am! Doing it! A few hours after June was born, I looked over at Al with a huge beaming smile (I think the biggest of my entire life) and said "that was fun, let's do it again!" (Al told me to calm the H down) 

Here we have pictures to prove my point. After I gave birth to Henry....

After I gave birth to June: 

My little girl was born on May 6 at 11:55 p.m. She came fast and the experience has completely FLIPPED my view on childbirth. It's been 3 weeks now, and since life has been a tad bit insane, I haven't had time to write this all down...but here it goes...

** sidenote: I do not feel differently about my babies, just about the experiences with their birth. We all know how completely taken I am with Henry. And I was on the day he was born, I just also wanted to sleep for 5 days...

June's Birth Story: 

4 days over due, my fear of me actually murdering someone was getting all to close to becoming a reality. It was terrifying how much I disliked everyone at this point. The only people I wanted to speak to were the ones who had been through this before, and I wanted to cry with them as well as for them, because being over due is awful. To anyone who has gone 10+ days over due, I would like to say to you that I am sorry and that I worship the ground that you walk on. Anyway, in desperation, I drank "the magic drink" with castor oil and almond butter and yada yada yada on Sunday. I drank the first half and was certain I was going into labor. My contractions were regular and slowly getting more and more painful. We got all geared up, getting our bags packed and alerting the media (aka Henry's babysitter and my mother), psyched ourselves up, aaaand then they quit. I had made myself too sick and couldn't force the other half of the drink down so we just went back to the torture that is waiting. I told myself I could do it, I could wait a few days, since my dr said she would induce me Thursday. Well, Tuesday came and there I was chugging the drink again, hardly even giving it a thought. I drank it at 1 in the afternoon and nothing happened, so I went about my business of being a grouchy fat mess and taking care of Henry. 

At about 8, I had to use the facilities (that drink can do some scary things to you), and while on the toilet, my water broke. I wasn't quite sure of it at the time, but something had definitely happened that wasn't quite normal. Al was home, so I put my pants back on and went to ask him what he thought. As I made my way through the kitchen to his desk, I realized I was right...so I hollered to him something like "Hey Aaaal....my water might have broke? oh yup there is definitely something coming out of me..." as I stood in a puddle. 

It was perfect. My water had broke, my contractions were close, and we were all set to go, Henry was even already in his PJ's! We took Henry to my friend Nola's for the night, and headed to the hospital as my contractions got stronger and closer together (they were always about 3 minutes apart). I had stressed out my entire pregnancy about taking Henry to a babysitter, but in the moment, it was hilariously easy. I knew he would be well taken care of and I was over the moon excited to go meet our baby!! I even feel a slight bit guilty for not crying at this moment, but we all know I love Henry so moving on....

They admitted us in the hospital and I paced the room, working through my contractions. All I remember about this was continually stepping in pools of water and saying over and over to Al "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!?" They eventually checked me (I'm sure it had only been 10 minutes, I'm a giant spaz), and I was 4 cm!!! I said "epidural pleeease" and they walked me over to labor and deliver. I can't believe I walked there. I just can't believe how fast everything went! The anesthesiologist came quite swiftly, to my great pleasure, and hooked me up. To my great DISAPPOINTMENT, nothing happened. The nurse told me to give it 15 minutes, and 15 minutes later, as my screaming and chuffing (this is the only word that really describes the noise I was making) only increased, we all realized the epidural had done nothing. I begged for them to fix it, but I knew it was too late. I needed to push. 

I remember briefly being put on my hands and knees, for whatever reason (I just do what I'm told) but this WAS NOT FUN. How is it possible to feel any more exposed than you already are while giving birth, you ask? Well, get on all fours like a filthy animal with your bare butt in the air for all to see! I screamed into the pillow a few times...I'm guessing they would have preferred I stay like this, as the pillow might have muffled some of the noise, but they let me flip over when the baby was, like, doing what it was supposed to be doing or something. 

So I pushed! And by golly, did it hurt :). I felt everything that was happening, and I was absolutely freaking out, having a good, giant spaz (not really that uncommon for me but probably annoying for all in attendance). I was soooo very scared of what was happening to me. But not like there was much I could do about it. So I pushed as hard as I could while bawling and screaming and saying things like "I don't know what to dooohooo (that's a sob)"...and "I just don't know what I'm doing"....and "ooookiedokie" and "holy shiz monkeys" and a few other really strange things that neither me and Al can exactly remember but that everyone was laughing about at the time. I do remember my doctor looking at me like I was quite possibly the weirdest person she ever met (we hadn't met until this moment), but hey, at least I wasn't cussing! Good for me, right??!?!?!??!

And she came out! And I immediately reached for her, wanting nothing more than to see her and to be near her (I didn't hold Henry for hours after he was delivered, nor did I have much of a desire to, so this was nice). I have never in my life beamed like I was beaming in that delivery room. I could feel it on my face. It was a very special, MAGICAL moment for me. As for Al, I think he was just weirded out with how pleasnat I was being (let's all remember he was there for Henry's birth too). When they handed her to me, I checked her bum to discover that she was a girl and almost fainted. That, my friends, is the best surprise in the world. It was with Henry and it was with June...I love not finding out until that moment. Ugh, I just LOVE it!! 

I am now a childbirth loving convert. I think the whole process is, yes..painful, but delightful. Feeling June work her way out of my body was nothing short of a miracle, and I am so glad my epidural didn't work so I could experience that, at least once, since I still think I'd opt for an epidural in the future (let's not pretend I'm a fan of pain). The feeling in the room when she was born was fantastic, and because I was doing so well, I got to hold her and feed her and be with her all by myself while everyone else just went about their business. I was fine. She was fine. She was beautiful and feminine and perfect. And holy freaking crap, she was a GIRL!!!! 

Kind of a creepy picture, but she was sucking her fingers right when she came out!

Henry adores her, but we'll get to that in another post :)

We named her June almost immediately, after seeing how pretty she was. I wanted to name her after my grandma, who was and always will be one of my favorite people, and her name was Maralda. A little bit of a disappointing name (no offense grandma) so while I was in labor, and my mom was on her way to see us, I asked Dix if grandma had had any nicknames. She said her friends called her Matilda...I remember them doing this! Something I admire about my grandma and my own mother is their plethora of friends. If you know my mom, that was what my grandma was like, and I loved that about her. She was so kind to everyone and just contagious, thus, her swarm of friends. And they had nicknamed her Matilda. I love how this all worked out, and am so happy I got to use her name.
June Matilda Wilde - welcome to the world!! I am so glad you're mine.

heave ho here we go

I am still pregnant. I know that I'm not overdue yet (due date April 30), but my chances of going early are getting pretty slim now. I had a dr. appt today and she doesn't think it's happening any time in April...so here I sit...a giant blob on the couch. I don't quite think it's the pregnancy thing I'm sick of, I love to feel my baby and I love that my belly is so giant and so round and that my belly button pokes out no matter what I wear, I think it's the 'being fat' that I'm getting sick of. You know, how about 3 things fit in my closet, none of them being pants. And how I look in the mirror and can't recognize myself because of the excess amount of cheeks I'm carrying. Or how, whether I'm eating healthy or not, I still feel disgusting (so what's the point in trying). I just really want to be able strap some jeans on like I used to in the olden days - when everything wasn't a heave HO effort. I haven't worn a pair of jeans, maternity or otherwise, for about 3+ months. It's just not worth the struggle. So that heaving and ho'ing I'm speaking of is just to get my stretchy pants on.........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Let's all just cross our fingers this baby gets here soon, because I'm quite excited to see it's face and hopefully, eventually, my own face again.

We're pretty ready for this kid to come along I'd say, way more so than with H-Bott. With him, we just figured everything would pan out on it's own. Little did I know, I wouldn't be able to walk normally for months....so this time I think we've prepped a bit better to have a newborn around. I've got somewhere for it to sleep and even bought it some diapers. Gender neutral clothes are so easy these days, haven't struggled much with that but I'm still dying to find out so I can start to REALLY get to spending the money I quite literally do not have.

One thing I'm finding very difficult to think about is me going into labor and having to take Henry elsewhere while I attain another child. I hate thinking about it. I hate thinking about how drastically I'm going to change his entire life in a matter of days (hopefully it doesn't take days, but I try not to be optimistic...at all). It's just been me and him for two years, and I will miss that. I know, I know - it will all be wonderful and better than I ever imagined seeing both of them together, but just let me wallow in anxiety for a second. Having just one little buddy has been quite a nice every-day party.

I don't put any effort into the pictures I take anymore, my ability to be lazy has developed quite wonderfully during this pregnancy, so here's some snaps from my phone:

 At the zoo. I walked Hen through that tunnel that is behind him, being the good mother that I am. About half way through (I was crouched completely down and bent over at 90 degrees) I realized I was in trouble. I pretty much yelped through the rest of it....and was quite surprised I didn't go into labor or kill myself or the baby or both of us (everyone's doing fine).

 He got a sunburn at the park the other day, so figuring he needed a hat - we ventured to the mall to find one. I tried on the infant ones, too small. Tried on the toddler sizes, too small. SO - youth size BIG HEAD it was....ha ha he has such a noggin, that one.

 Easter montage!!!! We did a little egg hunt for him, wherein we put yogurt covered raisins and fruit snacks in some plastic eggs. Dix was in town, and she thought it would be fun if he could just open the egg and pop a treat right in his mouth, without having to wait (you can tell how we like our treats). And it WAS fun...but after sneaking one out from under him and tasting it...they all just tasted like plastic eggs. So gross....and I'm sure that was wonderfully healthy and good for him to ingest.

 Takin selfies! He still loves to see himself on screen! Me - not so much, but I take them anyway. I guess it's just the generation I was born into...gotta have a selfie, feelin good or otherwise. I am definitely on the end of "otherwise".

It sure pays to have a face like this when your mom gives you a hack job of a haircut!

(Before the haircut). This is our life. The whole gang just sits on Al's desk and watches him study all day, every day. I'm usually sitting right next to Hen here but hopped off (I'm SO very agile) to snap this. I have been noticing Henry has the same shirt on in about every pic here....I guess maybe he doesn't need that entire dresser and closet of clothes in his room? HA! what a joke. Of course he does.

you hardly noticed I was gone

I have come to write on this blog about 7 times and then never posted anything. A couple of times, I started telling about how I am pregnant again, but for some reason never hit "publish" and then it just seemed too far gone...the last I posted of Henry he was still a wee-little baby aaaand now he's BIG.

Like, so stupidly big. He knows what he wants and he gets what he wants and he likes that....and I don't mind it either because what else do I really have to do other than give him what he wants? Who needs valuable life lessons anyway....

Henry is around 20'ish months old (I keep losing track) and I am around 37'ish weeks pregnant (just kidding I'm EXACTLY 37 weeks pregnant - I am sadly not losing track of that). People say their second pregnancies go faster buuuut if this is faster, than that last pregnancy I had never ended because this one sure isn't. There's really nothing wrong with being pregnant (just kidding again - there's lots) but it would be nice to be myself again. I'm looking forward to having this perpetual bad mood over with. 

So far, which at this point includes the entire pregnancy....since I have taken so long to blog about it....I have felt GOOD. I really shouldn't complain, but I still do...quite a bit actually! Positive comments would include: I didn't really feel sick much at the start, it's been winter the entire time allowing me to hibernate and be a complete lazy bum, I have really enjoyed eating whatever the crap I want, we bought an exercise bike that can count as exercise no matter how slow I pedal on the lowest gear, and I don't have pre-eclampsia this time (HURRAH!!!). My main complaint, since we all know you came here to hear me whine, is that...like I mentioned...I have been in a bad mood for 9 months. I've just been really grouchy. Not to the point of utter sadness or despair...just a GROUCH. I want to kick everyone in the grocery store, I don't want the cashier to talk to me, I want the waiter to leave us alone, everyone is annoying....everyone is in my way....everyone is ruining my day. I consider myself a fairly social person, not that I'm great at being social but other people generally make me happy, so I miss that part of myself and am looking forward and hoping that I actually do get it back. Hopefully the pregnancy is to blame and I haven't just morphed into a troll. 

I'm not sure if it's common for women to have panic attacks when they go into labor, but I'm completely certain that is what is in store for me. I remember a few things too well from last time, and I'm terrified. I have been telling Al this constantly, seeking some sort of reassurance that everything will be okay...buut he happened to be there too last time it happened, and I think he is equally as nervous. He did say to me once the other day though..."when it's happening, and it's bad...just remember you've got an awesome support team..." and then he turned his computer and showed me this pic...

I've been smiling about it every since. 

We don't know the gender of the baby, nor do I care. How could I not want another little boy after having Henry? And how could I not want a little girl after dressing Henry up like a little girl? 

(Al was leesssss than impressed with this stunt). 

Please don't mind the disaster of a house behind the child, we were putting the shared baby room together and Henry was playing right in the middle of it because he must be within 3 feet of me AT ALL TIMES (I secretly love it). 

Here I am: 

Huge. The only cute part about this is you can kinda see Hen in the bath behind me. Also I'm hiding my fat arm pretty good, I'm the best at that!! 

Well, this has been random! :)