After I gave birth to Henry, I distinctly remember asking the nurse giving me a sponge bath to "please kill me". Henry's birth was traumatic. I was an absolute mess. So after giving birth to June (sans pain medication I might add), I still can't believe how I reacted. I never thought I would use the words "beautiful" and "magical" to describe something so horrific. But, here I am! Doing it! A few hours after June was born, I looked over at Al with a huge beaming smile (I think the biggest of my entire life) and said "that was fun, let's do it again!" (Al told me to calm the H down)
After I gave birth to June:
My little girl was born on May 6 at 11:55 p.m. She came fast and the experience has completely FLIPPED my view on childbirth. It's been 3 weeks now, and since life has been a tad bit insane, I haven't had time to write this all down...but here it goes...
** sidenote: I do not feel differently about my babies, just about the experiences with their birth. We all know how completely taken I am with Henry. And I was on the day he was born, I just also wanted to sleep for 5 days...
June's Birth Story:
4 days over due, my fear of me actually murdering someone was getting all to close to becoming a reality. It was terrifying how much I disliked everyone at this point. The only people I wanted to speak to were the ones who had been through this before, and I wanted to cry with them as well as for them, because being over due is awful. To anyone who has gone 10+ days over due, I would like to say to you that I am sorry and that I worship the ground that you walk on. Anyway, in desperation, I drank "the magic drink" with castor oil and almond butter and yada yada yada on Sunday. I drank the first half and was certain I was going into labor. My contractions were regular and slowly getting more and more painful. We got all geared up, getting our bags packed and alerting the media (aka Henry's babysitter and my mother), psyched ourselves up, aaaand then they quit. I had made myself too sick and couldn't force the other half of the drink down so we just went back to the torture that is waiting. I told myself I could do it, I could wait a few days, since my dr said she would induce me Thursday. Well, Tuesday came and there I was chugging the drink again, hardly even giving it a thought. I drank it at 1 in the afternoon and nothing happened, so I went about my business of being a grouchy fat mess and taking care of Henry.
At about 8, I had to use the facilities (that drink can do some scary things to you), and while on the toilet, my water broke. I wasn't quite sure of it at the time, but something had definitely happened that wasn't quite normal. Al was home, so I put my pants back on and went to ask him what he thought. As I made my way through the kitchen to his desk, I realized I was right...so I hollered to him something like "Hey Aaaal....my water might have broke? oh yup there is definitely something coming out of me..." as I stood in a puddle.
It was perfect. My water had broke, my contractions were close, and we were all set to go, Henry was even already in his PJ's! We took Henry to my friend Nola's for the night, and headed to the hospital as my contractions got stronger and closer together (they were always about 3 minutes apart). I had stressed out my entire pregnancy about taking Henry to a babysitter, but in the moment, it was hilariously easy. I knew he would be well taken care of and I was over the moon excited to go meet our baby!! I even feel a slight bit guilty for not crying at this moment, but we all know I love Henry so moving on....
They admitted us in the hospital and I paced the room, working through my contractions. All I remember about this was continually stepping in pools of water and saying over and over to Al "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!?" They eventually checked me (I'm sure it had only been 10 minutes, I'm a giant spaz), and I was 4 cm!!! I said "epidural pleeease" and they walked me over to labor and deliver. I can't believe I walked there. I just can't believe how fast everything went! The anesthesiologist came quite swiftly, to my great pleasure, and hooked me up. To my great DISAPPOINTMENT, nothing happened. The nurse told me to give it 15 minutes, and 15 minutes later, as my screaming and chuffing (this is the only word that really describes the noise I was making) only increased, we all realized the epidural had done nothing. I begged for them to fix it, but I knew it was too late. I needed to push.
I remember briefly being put on my hands and knees, for whatever reason (I just do what I'm told) but this WAS NOT FUN. How is it possible to feel any more exposed than you already are while giving birth, you ask? Well, get on all fours like a filthy animal with your bare butt in the air for all to see! I screamed into the pillow a few times...I'm guessing they would have preferred I stay like this, as the pillow might have muffled some of the noise, but they let me flip over when the baby was, like, doing what it was supposed to be doing or something.
So I pushed! And by golly, did it hurt :). I felt everything that was happening, and I was absolutely freaking out, having a good, giant spaz (not really that uncommon for me but probably annoying for all in attendance). I was soooo very scared of what was happening to me. But not like there was much I could do about it. So I pushed as hard as I could while bawling and screaming and saying things like "I don't know what to dooohooo (that's a sob)"...and "I just don't know what I'm doing"....and "ooookiedokie" and "holy shiz monkeys" and a few other really strange things that neither me and Al can exactly remember but that everyone was laughing about at the time. I do remember my doctor looking at me like I was quite possibly the weirdest person she ever met (we hadn't met until this moment), but hey, at least I wasn't cussing! Good for me, right??!?!?!??!
And she came out! And I immediately reached for her, wanting nothing more than to see her and to be near her (I didn't hold Henry for hours after he was delivered, nor did I have much of a desire to, so this was nice). I have never in my life beamed like I was beaming in that delivery room. I could feel it on my face. It was a very special, MAGICAL moment for me. As for Al, I think he was just weirded out with how pleasnat I was being (let's all remember he was there for Henry's birth too). When they handed her to me, I checked her bum to discover that she was a girl and almost fainted. That, my friends, is the best surprise in the world. It was with Henry and it was with June...I love not finding out until that moment. Ugh, I just LOVE it!!
I am now a childbirth loving convert. I think the whole process is, yes..painful, but delightful. Feeling June work her way out of my body was nothing short of a miracle, and I am so glad my epidural didn't work so I could experience that, at least once, since I still think I'd opt for an epidural in the future (let's not pretend I'm a fan of pain). The feeling in the room when she was born was fantastic, and because I was doing so well, I got to hold her and feed her and be with her all by myself while everyone else just went about their business. I was fine. She was fine. She was beautiful and feminine and perfect. And holy freaking crap, she was a GIRL!!!!
June Matilda Wilde - welcome to the world!! I am so glad you're mine.